Consepts of Reality
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath you r dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
To Some People
To some people I'm like a syringe that white pus comes out of, to others I'm a vibrator. I may not always be hard but sometimes I'm soft. Some days I may be harder than hard, other days I may be softer than soft. When you suck on me I'm sour, or else I'm sweet! Some people say I love pussy or cock suckers. If you leave me ill go limp. If you hold me I’ll get a boner. If you squeeze me I’ll get jerky. If you swallow me I might get slurpy. I can be licked hot or cold, “I'm a cock, I've been told.”
To some people I'm like soft lips that spit, to others I'm just a hole. I may not always be wet but sometimes I may be dry. Some days I may be wetter than wet, other days dryer than dry. When you suck me I'm sour, or else I'm sweet! Some people say I'm love dick or pussy suckers. If you leave me I’ll go loose. If you touch me I’ll get tight. If you suck me I'm might get jerky. If you swallow me I might get slurpy. I can be licked hot or cold, “I’m a clite I've been told.”
more things i hate about everyone
When people say “hold on a sec.” What’s there to hold, I can’t hold onto time pall.
When people say one thing and do another. You’re either going to do it or you’re not, so make up your mind PLEASE!
When people say you are like a blonde when that’s not even your damn hair color.
People who ask is something wrong. If something were wrong you’d know.
When people always ask what your name is because they can’t remember. Why don’t I write it on my forehead, so its there all the time.
People who laugh at their own jokes when there not funny… do you even see me laughing.
People who say “ you can do more than one thing at once?” well duh, I'm looking and talking to someone dumb aren’t I?
When people ask “aren’t you hot in that?” If I were hot I wouldn’t be wearing it smartass!
People who scream there head off when seeing someone famous. Why waste you breath when you’re not going to get noticed anyway.
When you already have a drink and someone asks if they can buy you one…. What’s this in my hand? A drink!
When you’re avoiding somebody and they still won’t leave you alone. What are they really that blind or can’t they see that they’re getting to you.
When people don’t get something really simple. What do you need a play by play?
When people have a dumb look on their face. What did you just fart?
When people have a dumb look on their face and don’t know why. Wait I know why… it’s because you’re dumb.
When you wear green on St. Patrick’s Day and still get pinched. If I wanted to get pinched I wouldn’t be wearing green.
When people think they know everything. If you knew everything then you’d know that I don’t wanna talk to you.
When people say they want to see to world. Just look out your back yard.
When people say “I wish I could do that!” well why don’t you get off you lazy ass then.
10 Commandements of a Teenager!!!
1) thou shall not sneek out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
2)thou shall not do drugz (you can break this one, it not thatimportant)
3)thou shall not steel from k-mart. (walmart has a bigger selection)
4)thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a biggereffect)
5)thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has moremoney)
6)thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
7)thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8)thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
9)thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike sayz just do it)
10)thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them inthe middle)
Strange, Stupid and Dumb Laws In Illinois
In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being ``an unsightly or disgusting object'' are banned from going out in public.
In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in one's pajamas.
In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is ``American.''
In Guernee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.
In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.
In Normal it is illegal to make faces at dogs.
In Chicago it is illegal to eat in a place that is on fire.
You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation.
You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
*A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
*In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Engineers do it to specification
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen cum twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Housewives do it for an allowance
Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain Climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate!
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Truckers do it in the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
Zoologists do it with animals
Why couples don't have sex!
Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere… but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!”… So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?”…. The driver said “No, jump in!”
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”
Can’t you just hear him say all of these? I love it………this is the good old days when humor didn’t have to start with a four letter word…….. just clean and simple fun.
Reality of true friends...
Are you tired of all those sissy friendship poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad -I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask. Because you are my friend.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
9 THINGS GOD WON'T ASK on judgment day...
1. God won't ask what kind of car you drove; He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.2. God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.3. God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.4. God won't ask what your highest salary was; He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it, and performed your job to the best of your ability.5. God won't ask how many friends you had; He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.6. God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.7. God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about the content of your character.8. God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation; He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.9.God won't have to ask how many people you forwarded this to. He already knows whether you will or not.
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".? Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
