10 Commandements of a Teenager!!!
1) thou shall not sneek out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
2)thou shall not do drugz (you can break this one, it not thatimportant)
3)thou shall not steel from k-mart. (walmart has a bigger selection)
4)thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a biggereffect)
5)thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has moremoney)
6)thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
7)thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8)thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
9)thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike sayz just do it)
10)thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them inthe middle)
Strange, Stupid and Dumb Laws In Illinois
In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being ``an unsightly or disgusting object'' are banned from going out in public.
In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in one's pajamas.
In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is ``American.''
In Guernee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.
In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.
In Normal it is illegal to make faces at dogs.
In Chicago it is illegal to eat in a place that is on fire.
You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation.
You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
*A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
*In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Engineers do it to specification
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen cum twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Housewives do it for an allowance
Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain Climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate!
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Truckers do it in the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
Zoologists do it with animals
Why couples don't have sex!
Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
